A Guy’s Opinion: Why do men look at other Women?

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You might be on a first date, out with your boyfriend or husband, or just hanging with your male friend when you notice him ogling another woman. His behavior may seem wrong in so many ways that you’re not sure if you can actually count them all.

As you’re watching him stare, your head may be filling with thoughts of anger and self-doubt. Or you may be thinking “Doesn’t he know who how rude this is?”And you mean rude to you as much as you mean rude to the woman he’s staring at.

Why is he doing this, and what does it mean?  Does he know it’s impolite?

I’m tempted to say it doesn’t mean anything to your man (that may be a gross generalization) ….men will stare at nice cars, boats, or pretty girls without any regard to how their gawking may look to those around him.

It’s universally accepted men are more visually stimulated then women.

If you’re consistently catching your man staring at other women, you may want him to know how it makes you feel, as well as how it looks to others when they see him staring like a dog eyeing a fire truck driving down the street.

Just because your guy isn’t as subtle as you are when looking at other people, I don’t believe his primitive, adolescent gawking is necessarily indicative of unscrupulous behavior.

Besides telling you men are wired that way and you shouldn’t let it concern you, I’d suggest you also consider most men don’t know their behavior could be considered offensive to anyone.

Personally, I didn’t have any idea how this behavior came across to women until I moved to Tribeca in New York City. <em>It was then I felt the discomfort of men staring at me. Until then, I didn’t realize how men’s obvious behavior occurred to women.

I’ve also been on a few dates where the woman I was with checked out other men in front of me. Again, I became aware of the consequences of a behavior which I once indulged in because I thought it went unnoticed or was innocuous.

If your guy is doing this in front of you and it’s making you uncomfortable, I suggest you mention to him how his actions make you feel. If he still doesn’t see why his behavior bothers you, then you may want to gawk at a few men in front of him.

Your looking at other men may help give him a little awareness. After a while, you may want<em> to point out why you were staring – you don’t want him to think you now both have free reign to ogle anyone you please.</em>

So my opinion is to speak with your guy about how his behavior makes you feel, plus make a point to literally show him how it feels when the person you care about stares at others.  Hopefully this should help him understand where you’re coming from when you say it bothers you.

—————-

in the pool

The author, Steve, is a 40 year old successful Entrepreneur who lives in the northeast with his wife of seven years and two beautiful children.  Steve is an amateur Triathlete who also believes he has a fantastic sense of humor, although this last part is still up for public debate.

Comments

27 Responses to “A Guy’s Opinion: Why do men look at other Women?”
  1. Travis says:

    I think this is good advice period. Good post.
    I would always hold my significant other responsible for how her actions make me feel. I think post this conversation you have every right to react in a way that reflects how you feel. The “offending party” has been warned in advance. You get one or two passes before it’s time to have a really lengthy conversation. I have had to have that conversation about shopping. I have a shopping agenda. She has a shopping desire. Two very different approaches to commerce.

    I look at PEOPLE. Although I tend to appraise ladies and observe men. I will turn my head to men when I notice something peculiar. I will look at ladies because well… I’m just subconsciously piggish. I have trained myself to not do this in front of my lady. It’s rather difficult when you live in Southern California.

    Our visual stimulation manifests itself in our love for cars, computers, explosions and ahem… video. I agree it doesn’t mean we want to engage. It does mean we enjoy the escape from the norm (no matter how minute the change).

  2. Sophia says:

    Hm. Truthfully, women look at men just as much as men do women too!

  3. AnnQ says:

    Travis – I completely agree…once someone knows something bothers you and they continue to do it, I feel that’s a sign of disrespect….that’s not okay, in my opinion.

  4. AnnQ says:

    Sophia – Yep, women definitely look at men just as much! I think the main difference is women are MUCH more slick and subtle about it, while men can be sooooo obvious sometimes.

  5. JackieK says:

    I think this article is great…it drives me crazy when my boyfriend looks at other women in front of me. It’s so rude!

  6. AnnQ says:

    Jackie – I know what you mean…I think it’s totally rude, too!

  7. Kelly says:

    Travis makes a good point…visually stimulated people, both men and women, look at EVERYTHING. I’ve had one or two boyfriends who accused me of scoping out guys when, really, I was just people-watching. But it’s pretty easy to sort all that out IF you have an honest conversation with your partner about the troubling behavior.

  8. whatever says:

    I think it is extremely rude and insensitive for a man to obviously ogle other women in front of their woman. Women are already self-conscious about themselves and have a lot of self-doubt so ogling other women just makes it worse. I would never ogle or look at another man in front of my man. That is so disrespectful. If you’ve spoken to your man about how it makes you feel and he still does it, then obviously he doesn’t give a crap about your feelings and it would be best to move on to a man that has respect for you and your feelings.

  9. WastedLove says:

    I feel really sad and lonely over my bf (in his 50s) who, in my opinion, constantly ogles other women, including my female friends and he’s even openly flirted with some of them in front of me. The problem is that we’ve never had a decent conversation about this (we’ve been seeing each other for over a year) as he goes ballistic whenever I try to talk to him about it.

    This didn’t start as an issue of insecurity – I feel very happy and confident with myself – but it’s beginning to seem this way to him as I’m now constantly looking for it. For me, it’s a question of respect. If I’m the love of his life as he says, why does he feel the need to do this in front of me. I’m getting to the point where I don’t want to go out in public with him. He says that he’s not doing it, he’s not aware of doing it and has basically accused me of having a serious jealousy problem.

    The thing is that I love him but I’m not sure what to do, it’s hard to reach a compromise when he won’t even entertain the idea that he might be doing it.

    This has become a big issue, far bigger than it needed to be and I feel that we’re destroying each other over it. Fights are becoming regular.

    Any serious tips on how we can begin to talk about it and any possible solutions, especially from men would be a big help.

  10. Rebeccaa says:

    I have been with my man for a year and he ogles women all of the time. He keeps telling me its not what I think and I ask him why he does it and he has no answer. I know men look that I get but he stares until he gets their attention….I feel invisible when with him in public. He treats me good otherwise. I just dont understand the staring and ogling when with me. It makes me feel very uncomfortable. He is bipolar too. He accuses me also of being jealous but thats not it. He doesnt understand how low it makes my self esteem and how ugly it makes me feel. I think if I am the love of his life than he should treat me as such. It really hurts me.

  11. Richard says:

    See, now I disagree. As someone who was married to a woman who I knew was less attractive than the typical woman I could get, my first marriage never reached the level of mutual admiration that I think is required. As a result, looking back, I think I never really stopped shopping. I was hunting that affirmative glance back that confirmed my suspicion … I could do better.

    I consider myself a 7 or 8 on the looks scale, and I am a 9 or 10 on the earnings scale. My ex was a 6 or 7 on the looks scale, and we never really clicked sexually. So for me, the wandering eye was rooted in my wife’s lack of good looks.

    Now, remarried for 18 years, my wife and I are a true match, I adore her timeless good looks, long beautiful hair, and she maintains a great figure to boot. I may glance here and there, but my attention is 100% on the lovely lady I am fortunate enough to call the love of my life!

  12. Cindy says:

    I read that when a woman is better looking than her husband, the marriage is more happy. I am in the situation Richard describes about his first marriage where I know I am not the best looking, but why did he choose me! Now I catch him always looking at attractive women, it hurts my self esteem, I just wish he would have an affair and we could split up! It is important for my husband to admire my looks, and I know that is just not happening now.

  13. chris flaker says:

    Ok, we men get it…..Men are pigs, we only have one thing on our minds, we are disgusting, and men only want sex….. blah, blah, blah.

    I’m sure you have by now heard men try to defend themselves by poorly using scientific evolutionary theory but to no avail because women simply see men as trying to excuse their behavior.

    And women should be upset, since this is a chemical response that causes this reaction.
    Women go through a range of emotions, feeling threatened by other women,
    Jealous of the other woman, who won her man’s attention,

    Embarrassment for the social violation in an environment of civil expectations of propriety,
    Guilt for possibly not maintaining their physique over the years,

    Insulted by the offensive act,

    Disgust because she feels she is with a man of base character,

    Anger because their man violated a unremunerated right in the relationship,

    And lastly betrayal of the sexually related feelings expressed towards another when they were assumed to be completely exclusive physically and mentally.

    All these feeling hit a woman like a truck. She cannot control them because the chemical hormones in her body trigger and involuntarily make her feel the chemical reaction taking place within her.

    Men can try as they might to explain their defense but it is no use because she will always feel this way. She is a victim to the chemicals creating her emotions.

    She may hide it, or pretend not to be upset but inside she is feeling all these things.

    Threatened,

    Embarrassed,

    Guilt,

    Insulted,

    Disgusted,

    Anger,

    Betrayal,

    And Mistrust.

    Well, now I am going to explain to women without using theory but just simple fact why men are pigs.
    Are you ready for it?
    Ok here it is…….

    Ladies,

    Men are disgusting pigs because………wait for it…………. Men, are meant to be MEN.

    That’s it.

    There is your ground breaking revelation.
    There is the answer to why men continue to look at other women and to seemingly only have interest in sex.

    Was that not what you were expecting?
    Well ok, allow me a moment to be a little clearer when I say “men are men.”

    How about this,

    If you were a man,

    You too would be the same disgusting pig as the rest of us.

    Women often can be heard complaining how men cannot understand how it is to be a woman….well that goes both ways ladies.

    Men are men and women will never know what it is like to be in the body of a man. Something women should understand that both men and women share is how hormones can affect our behavior.

    Well, let me tell you about a little old chemical called testosterone.
    Testosterone is a friend to some and an enemy to others and ironically, a friend and enemy to the same people.

    The difference between men and women is the sexual hormones that develop us into what we are.
    Both men and women have a combination of estrogen and testosterone. Men would actually be woman if not for the release of these chemicals that transform our ovaries into testicles.

    So if anything we men are you women but changed because of chemical culprits. Women are the default gender.

    Sex drive is dependent on testosterone levels but only in the presence of an estrogen balance.
    Each day women produce UP to 1miligram of testosterone.

    So what? You say…well

    Levels of testosterone influence human behavior because neurons are sensitive to steroid hormones.

    Testosterone levels are used in the regulation of human libido. Testosterone is capable of altering the structure of the brain.

    Today, Testosterone can now be used as an experimental treatment to raise a woman’s sexual interest, arousal, and satisfaction.

    In women, testosterone has a direct effect on sex drive and sexual response. Women taking testosterone have more sexual thoughts, fantasies, activity, masturbation activity and sexual satisfaction.

    Rightly or not, women are often seen as being under the influence of their menstrual hormones.
    As a result, they are said to be subject to hormonal “tides” or hormonal “storms.”

    Well women during their Sexual horny time of the month experience and increase of testosterone.
    So at this point you need to agree with the fact that, you women can understand that it’s difficult to control your behavior when all these influx of chemicals are altering your otherwise normal self. Mood swings, happy, sad, horny whatever.

    When females have a higher baseline level of testosterone, they have higher increases in sexual arousal levels. The level of testosterone also changes Sexual thoughts.

    So if YOUR behavior is understandably tolerated during these times of the month, imagine having libido chemicals slamming your brain and body constantly on a daily basis far greater than what you women have to deal with.

    Women talk about being able to have more self-control than men sexually but what women forget to mention is,
    Women are “only controlling a fraction of what chemical testosterone that men are expected to control”.

    In 24 hours the “average” man produces 7 milligrams as oppose to a woman’s “UP to” 1 milligram in 24 hour range.

    Once again, I point out that men ARE women except for the chemicals that change us. We are what women would be if they were also bombarded with the chemicals components in the Y sex chromosome.

    So what exactly are women bragging about when they say they “Refrain but guys don’t?”
    “Women refrain their 1 milligram but get angry when guys struggle with their 7 milligrams of testosterone?”

    Not to mention the fact that women take advantage of this sex obsession men have by baiting men’s attention by pressing the legal limits of wearing the least amount of clothing possible.
    Men wear shorts at the beach, but women wear thonged panties and bras called “swimwear”
    Yes, camel toe and butt cheeks in public view but men are the perverts for looking. We are beating back 7 milligrams of I want to F^#k now chemicals with near naked bodies bouncing around pretending they don’t know or try to solicit male attention…..yeah, that’s fair….sigh.

    As a man trying to keep the brain altering chemical bursts of sex drive at bay is one thing, but to also have women shamelessly hiding their real faces behind glamour model makeup and wearing form fitting, scantly clade or simply provocative dress designed as casual wear on top of it is….well… ridiculously stupid.

    Yet women tell us that we should be magically changed with movie magic love once we enter a relationship despite our biological -hormonally chemically- induced- 7 times their sexual drive make up.

    Women are reported to masturbate maybe once every week, but with men it’s a daily basis, multiple times a day, As teenage boys 4 times or more, it all just depends on the drive. Now that’s just what guys admit to, more honest have said they have done 10 or more a day.

    So, if men are this more active, and throughout history have had this bad wrap of being perverts, shouldn’t we ask ourselves why they are this way? Or should we simply conclude its because they are bad people and should be punished? Is it a coincidence almost all men seem the same all over the world and all through time? Or maybe….IT’S BECAUSE MEN ARE NOT WOMEN!!!!

    Women can’t boast about control unless they are somehow trapped in men’s bodies battling the same chemical condition men are.

    But just as chemicals will make you hungry and think of food, your mind and thoughts cannot be compared to another person because all of our bodies are different. Man to man and woman to woman. Unless you walk the shoes of that particular individual’s body, how can we know what they battle with?

    And although we tell our women it’s not a personal thing or a betrayal of love, we are in the dog house time and time again for this chemical impulse causing us to simply notice and being visually impressed by other women in passing

    So there is the “why”, men look.
    They are influenced by strong chemicals because nature doesn’t recognize the exclusive civilized exclusive relationship he has made with his woman, by altering his sexual attention once he’s committed.

    So the impulse is still Very strong. It is not a habit, but a chemical behavior.
    A man is constantly at battle with his primal design to mate the world with his genetic code
    .
    The simple cure for this constant looking behavior would be to take drugs to reduce the sexual drive in a man. (Like women do with birth control altering the estrogen balance that functions the testosterone and reducing libido) However the reduced sexual appetite would also make the man not only less sexually interested in woman but also the woman he loves.

    Love doesn’t make penises rise and women don’t need to keep their equipment erect by fueling it with constant sexual thoughts like a man does. Women just need to show up for the occasion but a guy has to be aroused to perform the act and all the pressure is on him.
    So you can’t really keep your cake and eat it too.

    Now that I have properly explained the real science behind men’s visual fixation as oppose to the simple “men are supposed to rape everything in sight evolution” argument.
    I want to make it clear that, simply because we as men have a stronger impulse to succumb to our passions does not mean we are justified to do so. A man is not entitled to cheat or lustfully creep-stare-down a woman to the point of visually impregnating her.

    Men are no more entitled to that behavior than they are to punching or beating people because we are chemically induced with emotional anger when upset.

    All I am pointing out is women who compare their ability to refrain from behaving like men is ridiculous because they are not accomplishing this while occupying a man’s body and having to deal with women soliciting their attention.

    Men are interested in aggressive action, hearty food, crude humor and the perfect female form. Anything relating to those four things is what it is to be male. Things Related to these topics usually ends up being sports, fighting, sex, meat, cars, mean jokes and guns.

    Of course there are men who have more interests and are not so two dimensional but the basic interest men share tend to be these. Now in regards to women and the men who look at them.
    There are three kinds of ways men look at the presentation of a beautiful woman.

    1 The look of appraising Admiration

    2 The look of Lust.

    3 The look of Flirtation

    When a man looks at a woman with appraising admiration it’s when a man looks at a woman of beauty much the same way as when a woman sees an attractive woman, but from a different perspective. It’s a critical assessment of the figure.

    It’s a scanning for imperfection and when none is found, simple admiration follows. Much like a jeweler appraises a diamond. It is a pleasure to view an object of attractive qualities such as a new sports car or astonishing spectacle.

    At this point there is no sexual attachment to the action and may appear to onlookers that the man staring is gawking. This type of fixation is not with every woman who passes because once imperfections are found the man takes his attention elsewhere. To deny this kind of looking is impossible, EVERYONE does it, men, women, old, young, EVERYONE.

    The question is why does it seem that men look more? Is there an equal amount of men worthy of attention as there are women? Are men showcasing themselves to the same level as women? Are men constantly watching the eyes of their women or are they too distracted by the woman casually flaunting themselves?

    The second way a man looks at a woman is a lustful look whereby the man hosts various mental articulations of sexual acts or feels emotional desire and or a yearning to engage in sex. This type of look is done by Indulging in carnal fantasy of penetrating, groping and undressing the object in view.
    This kind of look is the kind that is done when pornographic material is being viewed and most likely arouses the man. Some men may do this privately until noticed while others do it regardless if the subject discovers the onlooker.

    This type of look is often termed “eye fu%king”. It is the bitters man attempt to psychologically disturb the subject as a consolation to the likelihood nothing more will come out of the encounter.
    The third way a man looks at a woman is flirtation. The man stares until he meets the eyes of the woman and engages in a private world of acknowledgement. This is more for the thrill. It’s the rush of adrenaline for the underdog being noticed by an attractive woman and also could signify his interest in pursuit of something further. This look is done with engaging the subject’s eyes and not the body.

    Appraising objects of beauty is not nor should not be threatening in a relationship. A man could do it with the same gender, a really nice car or anything worthy of attention since it is not a sexual act.
    And if a man is easily impressed with the appearance of others, a simple solution to his looking problem is to wear sun glasses. This way he will not be mistaken for lusting at all the women who dress provocative and solicit attention. And his significant other will no longer try to chaperone his sight from her perceived dangers of the world.

    There is an obligation to maintain discretion with a man’s eyes because the man’s company may feel embarrassed by the man’s fixations or the subject of attention may feel uncomfortable if they are not soliciting attention. While it can be argued that to admire the beauty of a person’s body is simply the appreciation of rare accomplishment resulting from the dedication one commits to working out, Staring at people, or people’s things without discretion is simply rude. So once again wear sunglasses so that your perception, like your thoughts will be private and noninvasive in public.

    However the look of lust is a completely different scenario which can be controlled with practice because it is not an automatic reaction to the presentation of an attention worthy subject but rather it is the initiated, deliberate and willful indulgence of a mental rape.

    This kind of mental foreplay often accompanies masturbation in order to maintain fuel for the fire and even can corrupt a man’s thoughts during intimacy while the man is with his significant other if he finds his erection fading. This type of looking should be discouraged. It’s addictive, sinful and very progressive, to the point of obsession. While science can argue that men may be drawn to certain biological elements in the women’s child bearing form, science does not justify the elected carnal practices of raping someone visually.

    The look of flirtation is the most dangerous, since it seeks thrills from others, not as a simple admirer or even as bad as a voyeur but more so as one interested in interaction with the subject of attraction. This is a betrayal at the most conscious level. As far as infidelity, Flirtation is not one step away from the next level; it’s a step of the next level.

    So with everything being said, I would like to clarify and review a few points. All Looking is not all the same thing. Men are not women and women will never be men. I will not pretend I can understand a woman or what she is thinking because although we share humanity we are on opposite sides of the sexual spectrum. You may ask yourself, why does my man look at other women if he loves me?
    • The answer is, because love is not in conflict with the desire to view something worthy of attention.
    • Secondly, your man loves you because there is only one you, one soul and that cannot be replaced with anyone else in the world.
    • Third a body IS in fact a piece of meat. It is not who you are, but only the shell you reside in. A man does not marry a body, a man marries a soul. A body can gain in physical appeal or lose it depending on the actions of the operator and simple aging.
    • Men rate women on personality and beauty; but men are rated primarily on personality and financial status. A woman can love a man and hate his poor house, just as a man can love a woman and hate her poor body. The body is only a material item which is not the substance or integrity of the relationship, so one should not feel threatened or feel subjugated to comparison like a used car traded for a new one when a woman of attractive appeal walks by. Your man is not with you because he thinks you are the most attractive woman he can have (or has had) He is with you because there is only one you. The way you look is the physical association he has with your personality and so is attached to you and all that reminds him of you. There are trillions of women that he may find more attractive then you are accessible to him, yet he will not stray away because that is once again not the reason he is with you. Now if women walked about wearing their souls and men looked at them that would be a different story and reasonable cause for doubt and insecurity because a person’s soul should not interest them more than yours, but a body could be more impressive than yours because of the work invested in it. I feel no threat if and when an attractive man is present because I know my wife is not with me for my appearance. What I possess is not in competition. Who I am is my most valuable possession and I am the only one who has that.

    • In truth staring at everything that walks around but the person you are with is annoying and disrespectful because a woman (or any company for that matter) should have the majority of your attention while you are with them.

    • However feeling bad about other women and chastising men for looking at them passing by is extreme and controlling. Admiration of another person’s beauty does not trespass on your imaginary territory over your man’s free will. When a man marries a woman or gets in a
    relationship, he agrees to not to not see any other women, but he doesn’t mean that literally. lol

    • In most cases although not all, some women may feel guilt because they have not done their homework as far as the upkeep or even the betterment of their own physique and their guilt transitions into anger towards their men for making them feel inadequate in that area.

    • A woman’s body will constantly change and always provide something new and different for her man when she works out or has kids. Most of these transitions and changes provide something pleasurable to the man unless it is total neglect. After a woman has a baby, the man enjoys thicker thighs bigger butt, larger breasts, and before she has her child, the man has the youthful tightness and sleekness of her body. Apples and oranges. When a woman works out she never reaches the best of what she can be just as a man never does. There is always the ability to invest and adjust. However the unwillingness to do so may subjugate your man to a prison of all he will ever have in a sexy body is what you decide you will invest, which may not be the most promising concept. But once again remind yourself that he is not with you for your body but your soul

    • Lastly remember that we as individuals contribute to the whole of society. You know what I mean…make a difference by changing the man in the mirror sorta stuff. My point being is, if you in your hay day wore provocative clothing while you were single, I’m sure when you dressed this way you were quite aware of what the effects it had on men both married and single. That being said, thinks about all the women who suffered as a result of you baiting their attention. Wearing glamour make up, showing skin and form fitting clothing, is the reason men look. If all men worked out and dressed in chip in dale biker volley ball shorts, hiding imperfections with tons of makeup and casually strolling by indifferent pretending they are not passive aggressive exhibitionists, women would also look. Women look now and men don’t nearly bait attention to the degree that women do. Point being is karma is a bitch and you get what you give, so be understanding.
    To all the men, our wives, girlfriends, mothers, sisters, daughters, make this world worth living. They are God’s gift to us. Try your best to not look at women. You may surly fail from time to time, to time to time but remember each time you avoid looking is a time you spare the person you love from feeling terrible and unloved, unwanted and like nothing. We know women will not control their crazy hormone psycho-ness because they have the hormone excuse. Ours don’t count because men are men lol so suck it up guys, we know we are justified to a point but we must be Men and protect our women, even from ourselves.

    Chrisflaker@live.com

  14. lily says:

    Everyone “looks”, both men and women. Looking and noticing occasionally is one thing. Staring, following someone with your gaze, scanning the horizon for something attractive to watch, doing double takes and not being able to take your eyes off someone until they disappear from the horizon—is something very very different.

    Talking to your date or partner who is fixated on something else, following their gaze and seeing an attractive young women is where their attention is—this is no one’s idea of romance, love or even a fun date.

    It is unbelievable to me that someone would ogle —when out on a date or with a partner, and create problems with them or make them feel uncomfortable—when they can always ogle to their heart’s delight when they are on their own.

    Who cares if they say “you are the love of my life”? If their behaviour doesn’t back it up, these are just words. If you are the love of someone’s life, you know it and feel it—cause they WANT you to feel it, and they don’t want to do anything to risk you leaving. Since you are the love of their life.

    I think talking about the problem of ogling with the ogler is a waste of time. If a man doesn’t “get” that this kind of behaviour is not just disrespectful but a total turn-off in everyway, no amount of talking about it will convince him of that.

    I dumped someone after 4 months for ogling in all the ways I described here. I told him that it was a total turn off and it was changing the way I felt about him and us.

    He denied it and claimed I was nuts. I broke up with him a few weeks later. Even though he denied he had ever ogled, after this discussion i saw him on many occasions trying so hard just to look and not to stare—and boy did he have to really put in an effort to not intensely stare.

    Sorry but for me, that was just as bad. If his impulse is that intense to ogle, not just on his own, but when he is out with me, and if the impulse to ogle is stronger than focusing on me, his date, when we are out, then he should go ahead and do it—but not with me next to him.

    And to those who say men are hard wired like this and it is normal—I don’t know who you are dating.

    In my experience, and also from what I can tell from my friends—the majority of men do NOT act like this.

  15. Leigh says:

    This has been an ongoing situation with my fiancee for the past 3 1/2 years, and it’s making me nuts. We were together for about 6 months when he started doing this. We are both in our 60’s. I told him that I was fine with him looking all he wanted when he was out by himself, or out with the guys or whatever; I just didn’t want him checking out other women when he was with me. First he denied he was even doing it. Then he got defensive and accused me of “having eyes like a hawk,” and “only seeing what I wanted to see.” Around the 6 month mark, I found out that he was also doing a lot of porn. I can’t begin to tell you how devastating this was to me. There is absolutely no way in hell I can compete with the young women he likes to look at. I’ve been very up front with him, and have explained what it does to me when this happens. Before we got together I felt very self-assured, and confident. I now cry every day and I HATE that! We can’t go anywhere together without him staring at, or turning his head to follow, some young hottie. The worst part is when he then denies he was doing it! How can someone not know where their attention goes???? To me, it’s impossible to miss. I’ve taken to keeping my head turned towards the window when we’re out in the car, just so I won’t see his head turn to check out another female. He says he’s stopped doing the porn, but it’s hard to trust anything he says now, because he denied it for so long, and actually lied to my face. Then he doesn’t understand why I’m so confused when he comes up to me at home and hugs me. He wants someone else when we’re out together somewhere, but wants me when it’s just the two of us at home?? He says that he’s not checking out other women, that he wouldn’t do that. Is he so cut off from his own behaviour that he doesn’t know he’s doing this? The other day we were at the theatre, and I turned around in the lobby to say something to him. He was looking across the lobby and grinning from ear to ear, with a look of delight on his face. I followed his line of sight to see what he was looking at. It was a younger blond in a pink leather jacket and she was smiling back at him. When I asked him about it later, he denied the smile, but said that he vaguely remembered the blond. WFT!?! I truly believe I was better off without him in my life. However, we now work together, our finances are intertwined, and I think he honestly thinks he loves me. I just don’t get it.

  16. Julie says:

    Leigh, I have just got out of a relationship that is almost exactly the same as your situation. He called me crazy for thinking he was looking at other women. And then I was psychotic for not being okay with him watching porn while dating me (he continues to watch it on his routine). I cried every single day and he has made me feel horrible about myself. He once told me I would look even more amazing with bigger fake boobs and if I lost 5 pounds. Then, I found photos of naked girls on his phone that he claims he forgot were on his phone. I look back on it now and I feel so dumb for contiuously giving him a chance to prove me wrong and let him earn my trust. I even considered counseling because he had made me feel so insane for feeling that way about porn and looking at other women. I have become so self-conscious and my insecurties are through the roof. Of course, he has no understanding why.

  17. della says:

    i had a discussion yesterday with my brother in law, my sister in law and husband..they believe nothing is wrong with looking at another woman once he is not going with her. i feel the opposite…i feel offended when this happens wondering in my mind…does the woman look better than me?, what does she have that i don’t have? am i that ugly? questions would arise in my mind…on the other hand however he goes everywhere with me and treats me great. he prepares dinner every evening..and spoils me…so at the end of the day…their really is nothing wrong as long as he is not going to another woman to talk to her or sleep with her.

  18. Barry withers says:

    Listen women it’s not that he means to hurt you. If you shake a mans hand he will give you an up and down look. It’s not that he’s not interested in you. It’s just that men always like to look. It’s really an involuntary thing. Think of it like this we may have evolved but we men are still cavemen at heart and we would love to have every beautiful woman we see. So if women dig guys with confidence that is the way men get confident. That being said if a women goes by and even you think she looks great and the man you’re with doesn’t look then maybe he has a guilty conciece. Men use their eyes to see what they like women use their minds and this is where the difference lies. So in a nut shell women it may be hard for you to understand but we men are more fixated on the aesthetics of a woman while you are more fixated on the mind or personality. I hope this helps but I doubt it.

  19. Brittany says:

    Im married To my husband and he tells me that he mentally looks at other women but not physically. it bothers me because I want to be the only one he looks at physically Andd mentally. he tells me im beautiful he spoils me and all of the above but by me having low self esteem even though im beautiful I still get offended by it and it’s tearing me apart. but the worse part is? we both are in love with each other. what do I do about this?

  20. becca says:

    Totally unacceptable behavior….hurts many women and relationships. Its the
    World we live in today, how about…ladies put decent cloths on and men
    Respect your women and have self control.

  21. chrissy says:

    Maybe its just me but when your in love with someone your mind is geared towards eachother, you only have eyes for eachother, when your not with them, your thinking about him or her, cant wait to see them at the end of the day, theres never any thought about others because you love them so much, you dont notice other woman or men, maybe the problem is nobody loves like that anymore, maybe hav’n the cake and eat’n it to is the way today, little respect, what they don’t know wont hurt em is ok now….but one thing i do know for a fact, its not ok to hurt the one you say you love, why on earth would you want to cause that person pain, lifes way to short, cherish every moment you have together, dont waist your time on what dosn’t matter…what do ya think ?

  22. MJ1010 says:

    I had an ex that did this constantly and we argued constantly about it. There is no way I am going to sit here and let people think that is okay to stare at someone other than your partner because its not. When a man is satisfied with what he has, he won’t feel the need to look at anyone other than his queen standing right next to him. If he’s looking everywhere else but at you when you’re with him, find another partner who will make you feel like the queen that you are. Every man can control themselves if they love and adore their girl. I wasted two and a half years being engaged to a “man” who was no more than an out of control little boy who didn’t know what he wanted. Don’t be stupid like me, move on.

  23. amanda says:

    I’ve been married for 20 some years, in my 40’s and Im blonde blue eyes .. thin and i look younger than I am. I have the same issues but it got really noticeable when I hit 40 .. I have a hard time wondering if its me or him that has the issue. Maybe both? But Im now 43 and I still get hurt and go crazy .. he professes his love and says he has made adjustments but I have to say I dont really see it.. NOT a day goes by he isnt smiling ear to ear or sticking his lips out making a sex face at something. And thats just it .. Im really really tired of it. Can’t feel the love and dont have the trust .. and now I cant look him in the eye. Im finding myself drifting sexually even tho I want sex all the time. Its ashame this is how it is. I feel like living out the rest of my life alone .. bang em and chuck em. BTW my testerone levels are higher than a mans right now with my hormonal imbalances and I think that may be part of what is driving me insane. And I do feel insane when he does what he does. Its all I can think about is sex and him wishing he had something more. Oh well .. back to my shitty day.

  24. BESTY says:

    Life can be very displeasing especially when we loose the ones we love and cherish so much. in this kind of situation where one loses his/her soul mate there are several dangers engage in it. one may no longer be able to do the things he was doing before then success will be very scarce and happiness will be rare. that person was created to be with you for without him things may fall apart.
    That was my experience late last year. but thank god today i am happy with him again. all thanks to DR AKPAKPA, i was nearly loosing hope until i saw an article on how DR AKPAKPA could cast a love spell to make lovers come back. There is no harm in trying, i said to my self. i contacted him via email: afiamensolutionshrine@yahoo.com. words will not be enough to appreciate what he has done for me. i have promised to share the good news as long as i live.

    BESTY ADAMS

  25. Sophie Choi says:

    Agreed. Men and women are just born to be different, and we cannot help it that men are just more visual than women. I think that the best thing as a woman to do when a man looks at another woman is just to ignore that, and love him nonetheless for who he is, and how he treats YOU. And the best thing for a man to do is … of course, after looking at another woman, to quickly get back to your girl and give her a big hug in the way that can communicate to her ‘yes, i like beautiful women, and I am so lucky to be with the most beautiful woman like you’. :)
    Check out my blog post on if our desires can be fulfilled by one person – maybe we can relate to this: http://clockkilla.blogspot.kr/2013/11/lipstick-jungle-can-we-get-everything.html

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  27. lisa says:

    When I catch my husband looking at another women he doesn’t stare at them its more like a quick glance I then look at him with a serious face he quickly gives me a smile and kisses me lol

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