Over 30 and Divorced or Single – Which is better?

wedding-cake-lilac-lilies

This is (mostly) a post from earlier in my Blogging Days, but wanted to give it another Special Guest Star appearance after I spoke with someone who told me he “Wasn’t surprised his Ex Girlfriend was still unmarried at 41, because she was Nuts”.

I should mention he’s Married, but cheated on his Wife with her roommate at the time for months prior to their Marriage…what a catch

I find it amusing being over 30 and Divorced gives you more “Street Cred” with most people than if you’re over 30 and have never been Married.

As if the ONLY people who’ve ever been Married are completely normal, attractive and well-balanced. That they’re somehow better than those poor, unlovable slobs who have yet to shell out a ton of money for a Dress that will never be worn again.

(and no, your future Daughter will most likely not wear your Dress someday….if that were so common, you or your Wife would’ve just gone into an Attic to get a gown, and not an overpriced Boutique).

So back to those who’ve been Married being seen as somehow higher on the Food Chain….

Haven’t people noticed the stunning array of Losers who are Married?

I’ve met Married people so unbearable I can’t believe they’ve ever gotten a second date their entire lives.  The fact they met someone who promises to have sex with only them, until death do they part, is simply astonishing.

Isn’t that sort of thinking similar to saying a person must be good at sex because they have kids?  Okay, maybe it’s not exactly the same…but it’s sort of in the same ballpark. Sort of.

Being very happily Divorced myself, I can honestly say someone having been Married doesn’t mean they’re more lovable or attractive or any other positive adjective.  In fact, my being Divorced only means I’ve made a mistake, and have learned quite a bit from it.

But I do have one kick-butt Dress in my Closet.

Footnote: Frankly, the people I really admire are those who pulled the plug on their upcoming Weddings just weeks before the big day.

That takes some serious guts to admit you were about to make a mistake and back out after all the Invitations have gone out and the (expensive, non-refundable) Contracts have been signed.


Comments

15 Responses to “Over 30 and Divorced or Single – Which is better?”
  1. JackieK says:

    I’m a little torn on this one. My issue is, if I meet a man over, say, 35 whose never been Married, I wonder what’s wrong with him? Is he selfish? Is he really a weirdo? Is he too set in his ways to ever get Married?

    I’m not sure if it’s fair or not, but I can’t help but wonder those things. I guess it’s because men do the Proposing, so it seems “easier” for them to get Married. They seem to have more control over the process.

    Not sure if I’m saying it the right way, but it is pretty late at night so I might be babbling a bit!

  2. Kelly says:

    I’m sort of halfway between the two. Yes, I’m divorced, but my marriage was so short (I was married for eight months, and my ex-husband is currently married to the chief reason for our divorce, if you catch my drift) that I might as well have never gotten married at all. Naturally, I wish I HAD never gotten married. If that were the case, I honestly don’t think I’d feel a bit different about myself – I don’t think I would feel like a loser or weird or anything. As it is, I feel a little like a failure.

    I don’t think less of people who’ve never been married. If I meet a nice person who’s never been married, they intrigue me somewhat more than a person who’s divorced, but I usually just assume they’ve never met the right person.

    Being married certainly doesn’t make a person “better” in ANY way – I know plenty of married people who are way, way, WAY more loser-ish than any of my single friends!

  3. AnnQ says:

    Hi Jackie – I know where you’re coming from….it can be difficult not to wonder those things. Last time I was dating someone new, I actually asked them why they weren’t married before (I asked them nicely, of course! I tried to make it kind of funny, too…)

    Anyhow, I was more curious as to what their answer was….after that, I just let him be himself and I was able to see who he really was over the next year, and make an informed decision about him. :-)

  4. AnnQ says:

    Hi Kelly,

    I had a very similar situation…I was only married for 18 months before I Filed for Divorce (although I should have done it about six months earlier), and it almost feels like I wasn’t ever Married.

    And it’s so true…I also know lots of wack-a-doos who’ve been Married for years and years – a ring doesn’t definitively “prove” stability!

  5. Steve says:

    I’m not sure 30 is the Mendoza line for this one. Often, people are not mature and settled enough in their 20’s to ensure a successful marriage. In fact if I met a woman that was in her late 20’s and already divorced, I might view her as impetuous or think that she might have been running away from something. Now someone who is attractive, educated, over 40 and never been married is a different story.

  6. AnnQ says:

    Steve – You make a good point…everyone matures at different rates, and I always think it’s a mistake for people to get Married before they’re ready.

  7. Sophia says:

    I always find it annoying that ppl think it is so taboo to have not married by 30. It’s not always because there is something wrong with that person, maybe he/she just is smart enough not to marry any person he/she can find!

  8. AnnQ says:

    Sophia – I absolutely agree. Getting Married isn’t difficult…any Single person could find someone and get married next month. Marrying the right person is the important thing! :-)

  9. Bekah says:

    Recently, I told a friend about me being on a dating website and the lack of responses I was getting. His question: did you put your real age? My answer: yes (31). His response: that’s the problem.

  10. AnnQ says:

    It’s funny….I think it definitely matters on who’s looking, and what they’re looking for exactly. It also probably depends on what their preconceived notions of different age groups are.

    I know lots of me for and women n their 30’s and 40’s who won’t seriously date someone in their 20’s because they can’t fathom being able to relate to them.

    However, if they’re looking for something short term, then a lot of those requirements go out the window.

  11. Cristy says:

    I have a similar situation in that I was married for 9 short months before we decided to split (well, I decided we should split). We were legally married for about a year and a half or so.

    I agree with your Footnote completely! I KNEW I was doing the wrong thing on my wedding day to him, and I still went through with it. I remember looking in the mirror at myself and realizing I shouldn’t be going through with it. What is it in us that makes us scared to change our mind on something that big?

    As far as age, I got married the first time when I was 20, divorced by 21′ish, so being a divorcee at 22 was my reality. My husband was married (and divorced) when he was very young, too, so he was divorced from age 23 to 45 (when we got married). He was set in his ways on some things, but I wouldn’t change him in any way.

    I think people who have the guts to wait are doing themselves a huge favor and will reap the benefits of being smart and being brave.

  12. AnnQ says:

    Cristy – Thanks for your feedback!

    I think admitting to ourselves we’re about to make a large, expensive, very public mistake is one of the hardest things to do (it’s certainly something I should have done!, but didn’t).

    Glad to see from your Site you’re dong so well now! :-)

  13. Dingo says:

    I think it’s very different for men and women. If a man is over 30 and has never been married, people come up with all kinds of excuses: He was focusing on his career, he wasn’t ready to be tied down, etc. If a woman is over 30 and unmarried, people ask, “What’s wrong with her?”

  14. AnnQ says:

    Dingo – It’s funny…I think it depends on each person and how they view someone not being Married.

    Personally, when I meet a man who’s never been married and is 35 or so, I always wonder what’s wrong with them.

    When I meet a woman in the same situation, I wonder if she’s just chosen the wrong men, and that things never “advanced” to that point.

    I think it’s because men are the Askers that I assume if they haven’t been married, it’s their own “fault” (not the right term, but I’ll leave it for now). Since women usually have a more passive role as the “Askee”, I usually cut them more slack. :-)

    But I hear you…lots of other people think the other way around, which is just silly (and it’s really probably silly for my version of the double standard, too!).

  15. TravisW says:

    I think sometimes people get married because they believe they have no options. The funny part is the side effect of being married (at least for most of the men I know) is you take on a more calm less desperate and occasionally a more domesticated, mature, honest persona. This is catnip to a woman wanting a man who isn’t an ass. This means you get more attention than you thought you ever could.

    When I was married my friends said it was my huge gold ring that attracted ladies. I took it off one night as was approached by MORE ladies. I honestly think that being married just chills you out. Ladies don’t like desperate. It stinks like HI KARATE.

    I was married for 5 years and for 2 of those 5 I thought death might be a sweeter release. I did get married because I thought this was the best I was gonna get. Oddly enough I could have gotten better if I just had learned to be myself.

    I don’t think there is any one reason why people get married or not. Sometimes people have other life agendas. I do trust myself when I see a woman who’s just RUDE, CRANKY or UNBEARABLE. Then it’s not shocking no one has offered her a ring.

    Same goes for men. Some of us are too stupid to live. Much less married.

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