Once trust is lost, can you get it back?
Your Significant Other calls to apologize…..they have to work late and they won’t be home until after 11:00pm. After you hang up, you can’t shake the nagging feeling something isn’t quite right, but you can’t put your finger on it.
So you decide to do something you thought only stalkers with human heads in their fridge did…you get in your car and drive by their office. When you get there, you don’t see their car. And they’re not answering either their office or cell phones.
Maybe you just didn’t see their car, and they’re not answering because they’re busy…? They did have to work late…and who are you to question them and do a crazy-person-drive-by?
Then you see their car parked in front of a restaurant. Driving by at 5mph, you see him / her sitting at the bar with someone very attractive, and your heart is beating so hard you’re pretty sure it can be seen through your shirt.
Is that a CoWorker and they’re taking a quick break? But they just called 15 minutes ago to say they’d be working late…. You hang outside, and decide to wait and see what the deal is before you possibly overreact.
When they leave the restaurant two hours later, they’re not heading to the office. Instead, they share a really long, close hug. Too close and too long. It might even be illegal in some States. You think they kissed for a second, but can’t be sure…
You rush home and get there first. When they come in, you ask how their night was, and did they get all their work done? They say they’re very stressed… they worked up until just twenty minutes ago, and they were so busy they didn’t have time to stop for Dinner.
————————————
Many of us – me included – have had to face similar situations with a significant other.
Once you know the truth, do you trust them again? Should you?
My opinion is that this is a grey area…..there are so many open questions to be answered before anyone can decide what to do in their own relationship:
- Is this the first time you’ve caught them in a lie? Or is this a pattern?
- Has an atmosphere been created where you don’t “allow” them to have outside friends without flipping out?
- Do they seem regretful, or do they try to excuse their lies away?
- Can you stay with them and not interrogate them anytime they’ve been out longer than usual?
It’s my feeling trust can be regained once it’s breached, but a few things need to be in place:
- The person who lied needs to understand why what they did was wrong, and why you’re upset. If they don’t understand these things, chances are greater they’ll do it again
- Your partner can’t justify away their behavior by playing the Semantics Game (i.e., “I said I didn’t have time for Dinner – I never said I didn’t have time for Drinks.”)
- They need to understand there may be a period of time before you fully trust them again
- At some point, you’re going to need to forgive them. You may not forget, but in order to stay together, you’ll need to move on emotionally.
- You need to legitimately believe you can trust them.
- Their lying can’t be a pattern in the relationship.
- You need to have open and honest communication about what happened, from both your perspectives
When you come to an understanding on what’s needed to regain trust, they accept full responsibility for their actions and you make a conscious decision to forgive them, you’ll most likely be able to move past this issue in your relationship.
This doesn’t mean challenges won’t come up next time they have to work late….but that’s when you have a chance to see their true character, and whether you’re truly ready to forgive them and move on.
—————————————
Ann currently works for a Fortune 50 company as a Global Project Manager, and graduated Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology / Communcations and Human Relations. She lives in Connecticut with her boyfriend and two adorable dogs.
For me it would depend on what the betrayal was….did they cheat on me? Did they tell me they were going to do something but lied about it?
I’d also want to know the motivation behind what they did. Was it that they weren’t thinking of me when they made a decision? If they weren’t, then why weren’t they?
I don’t believe in making too much out of things, but at the same time sometimes there are deeper underlying issues when someone lies.
Jackie – Relationships issues are often a grey area, which is why I know what you’re referring to when you say it depends on what they lied about, and what their motivation was behind it.
When someone doesn’t consider the feelings of the person they’re with, I always wonder why. Are they being malicious? Do they just not see them as a long-term partner? Is this payback? Are they selfish? Or are they just clueless?
In my opinion, you can often determine those answers by their response when they’re “caught” in a lie. People who keep lying after being snagged, or make excuses for their behavior (“I know I told you I wouldn’t speak to my Ex Husband anymore, but I didn’t think it would bother you”) probably aren’t remorseful.
If they are, they have a funny way of showing it….
I’d have to agree with Jackie…it would depend on how bad the lie was as to whether I’d trust them again.
I screwed up like that one time. I thought I had to hide a female friend from my ex girlfriend, so I didn’t tell her when I got together with my friend. I’d sometimes lie and say I was seeing other friends, or would set it up so we’d just “happen” to run into her at restaurants or wherever.
What it did was screw my relationship up, because my girlfriend stopped trusting me because she figured out I wasn’t being truthful with her.
She also assumed there was something “more” with that friend, so she grilled me about it. I guess I deserved it, because I did some selfish, sneaky stuff and I shouldn’t have been surprised when she ended things.
Susan – Agreed…situations like this aren’t usually black and white. Have you ever had an experience where you questioned whether you could trust someone anymore? It can definitely be a rough decision…
Christopher – Out of curiosity, do you think you learned anything from that relationship and the situation with your female friend that you can take into your next relationship?
“Is this the first time you’ve caught them in a lie? Or is this a pattern?”
That’s a huge part of getting over someone’s lying…if they keep doing it and you keep forgiving them, even if you get angry they’re receiving positive reinforcement telling them you’ll stick around if they lie….so what would be their impetus to change?
So you make a great point asking whether it’s a pattern or not!
Yes, I definitely learned not to lie. Lying can ruin relationships faster than almost anything else, because it breaks down trust, which is imperative for a successful relationship.
Now this is why I always think relationships are SO complicated. There is really no yes or no answer to this. Trust is something very fragile and tough to mend, and will take a lot of time and patience and effort from both sides. I definitely think it CAN be recovered back, though.
I believe in forgiving but not forgetting. Trust is earned. Once it is lost, it has to be earned all over again. If it is a relationship that is worth it, then it will come back. If it is a relationship that is not, then perhaps reevaluating that relationship is not a bad idea. BTW…I LOVE your blog. I’m not sure if I have ever been here before, but I will certainly be back and will follow you!!