Sexless Relationships
As many of you know from my earlier posts, I believe sex is an extremely important part of any romantic relationship.
That being said, apparently 40 million Americans are currently in Sexless Marriages (in case you’re wondering, to qualify as “sexless” couples are only having sex 10 times a year or less). That number doesn’t include non-married couples in sexless relationships, so who knows how many people are really living like this.
What should you do if you’re in a situation where you and your partner aren’t getting it on more than once every six weeks?
First, you should try to figure out why your relationship is in this state. There are many possible reasons why sex is so infrequent…some of the more common ones are:
- Anger - Put aside the fact that angry just-had-an-argument sex can be a lot of fun (and it can be). We’re talking about deeper, unresolved issues. If one, or both, of you have unresolved resentment, the last thing you want to do is get all lovey-dovey with each other, even if there’s an orgasm at the end of it.
- Depression - If someone is so depressed they don’t even feel like getting off the couch, they probably won’t feel very attractive and sexy, nevermind have the energy to get it on. Also, some depression medications can cause sexual problems, like the inability to orgasm, and even the loss of sex drive altogether.
- Boredom - Have you both allowed sex to get boring and predictable? If there’s a typical Sexual Itinerary that happens each time you get busy, this is a bad thing (Step One: Kissing, then hand on breast. Step Two: Oral sex for five minutes. Step Three: Intercourse. Step Four: Time to cuddle and sleep).
- Stress - When you’re exhausted from spending your entire day getting (figuratively) screwed by your Manager, the last thing you may have energy for is getting screwed again at home. But seriously…when people are stressed, it saps energy for things other than dealing with their stressful situations
- Infidelity - Ah, the one nobody wants to talk about. If your significant other is getting it elsewhere, they may not need, or want, it at home.
- Impotence - This is a rough topic, as most men don’t want to admit they have an issue keeping the wind in their sails….since it affects approximately 10% of all men, they’re certainly not alone and have no reason to feel embarrassed.
What should you do about it?
- Talk to your significant other and try to figure out what’s really going on. Be completely honest, and don’t play the Blame Game. Often Communication has broken down and is non-existent in these types of relationships, and communication needs to be the first thing you change.
- Decide what you need to do next. Maybe you two need to set aside more time to talk about why this happened and how to change it. Maybe you’ll decide to go to the Doctor, a Therapist, or a sex shop to help spice things up a bit.
- Take some action on what you think you need to do. Make the necessary appointments, go to the lingerie store, or actually talk….don’t just say you’re going to do something to resolve it, actually do what needs to be done to save your relationship.
When I say do what needs to be done to save your relationship, I’m not being melodramatic.
An ongoing sexless partnership is doomed for failure. Even if you don’t get a Divorce or end the partnership, it doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy together or faithful to each other.
People need to feel attractive and wanted, and getting it from your partner on a regular basis is a necessary part of that equation. So sit down and talk to your partner to figure out what the heck is going on, and why nothing’s happening between the sheets.
Life is way too short to go without sex.
I was in a sexless relationship once….it absolutely eroded my self-confidence.
Women are brought up thinking men want it all the time, no matter how tired or sick they may be (boy, is that wrong!). So when men turn down sex, it knocks the wind out of you. To most women, it’s the equivalent of a starving person turning down food…you wonder ‘Am I that bad?’.
Although the relationship didn’t last, we did work through the sexless stage, and it turns out he was extremely stressed from 14 hour days at his office, and it had nothing to do wiht me after all. I’m certainly thankful we took the time to work through things….it made me see things differently going forward.
Relationships like this are awfully stressful for everyone involved. But I think you’re right — communication seems to be the best first step.
Jill – You make an interesting point….why do you think the media portrays men are being blindly turned-on all the time, as if they’re all 14 year old boys? It certainly does skew our expectations…
Susan – My thought is talking about what the hidden, underlying issues really are might help flush the truth out, and nudge things toward some sort of resolution.
Of course, both people involved have to be completely open and honest, and willing to make some changes.
Relationships without sex are brutal. I was married for five years, the last two years had almost non-existent sexual activity.
Although we were having issues, the lack of sex (and validation) helped put us on the fast track to Divorce. Some people can live like that, but I’m not one of them.
It’s amazing how powerful the need is to feel attractive and wanted can be….
One of the best things about BEING in a relationship is having a steady sex life! I can’t imagine why people wouldn’t be willing to do ANYTHING necessary to fix a sexless relationship.
I’m with you on that. My understanding is people just get into this sexless place because of anger/kids/etc, and days turn into weeks which turn into months, etc….
Sometimes they report one partner tries to make things better, but the other is resistant for whatever reasons they may have.
Basically, it’s a tough situation, and I can completely understand why it destroys relationships.