Does your number of sexual partners matter?
Vince and I started dating a little over 1 1/2 years ago, and somewhere around the three month mark we were sitting in a casual restaurant for dinner, and he asked me a question I hadn’t heard in a long time….
“How many people have you slept with?”
Frankly, my face dropped. I wasn’t happy with this question at all.
He saw my immediate reaction, and seemed a bit taken back. So I told him the truth….“Unless it’s a very high or very low number, I really don’t think it matters.”. In fact I didn’t want to know how many people he’d been with, unless it was an “extreme” sort of number.
When he asked what I meant by Extreme Number, I told him unless he’d slept with only one or two women, or he’d been with 100 women, I didn’t need to know. My reason is because either end of the spectrum would mean something completely different to me, and to him.
What I mean is, if he was in his late twenties and had only been with one other person in his life, our sleeping together would more likely hold a lot more meaning for him.
I understand sex should always have meaning, but when you’re at the point in your life when you’ve only been with one or two people, any additional person you’re intimate with means that much more. I mean, it could be doubling your amount of sexual partners.
However, if he’d been with 100 people, what that would tell me is he wasn’t as discriminating as I’d like. And this would worry me for a multitude of reasons, such as increased possibility of an STD and that our being intimate would possibly hold less meaning for him
(besides – who wants to be with a person isn’t picky about who they sleep with? That doesn’t make anyone feel very special.)
Past a certain age, you really have to just assume the person you’re with has been with several other people aside from yourself (not that anyone likes thinking about that, but it’s pretty realistic).
So my opinion on whether it’s important to share the number of sexual partners you’ve had is it shouldn’t really matter….unless you’re talking about numbers on either end of the spectrum.
Disclaimer: Of course, no matter how many partners you’ve had, it’s always important to share if you’re a closet Porn Star going by the pseudonym ‘Buck Naked’. Even if it’s just a fledgling career. Trust me on this one.
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Ann currently works for a Fortune 50 company as a Global Project Manager, and graduated Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology / Communcations and Human Relations. She lives in Connecticut with her boyfriend and two adorable dogs.
I agree. It’s usually morbid curiosity that makes people ask. But most men REALLY don’t want to know how many dudes their GF has banged.
I used to ask when I was single. For some reason, it just seemed like a normal question. But if for some reason I was single again, I really don’t want anyone to ask me that question. Frankly, it’s non of their damn business.
Our cardinal rule in Bachelor Girl Land:
Never ask me any question to which you’re not ABSOLUTELY SURE you want an honest answer!
Christopher – I always think it’s important to only ask questions you truly want to know the answer to
Jill – I’m with you….I really don’t think it matters.
I’m a firm believer in that as well….only ask if you really want to know.
Yes, I agree with Kelly – do you (or they) really want to know? I think some guys do want to know – it goes along with if everyone’s had a piece then that girl is not special/discriminating and should be avoided. Men want to chase and don’t want someone who is easily caught, by them or by anyone else, especially if it’s one that they really like and might want to marry.
A few years ago when my husband and I were dating he asked me that question and same reaction – I was just silent (on the phone) we got in a fight because I didn’t tell him because I knew he wouldn’t like the answer (not that it was so many, but I think anything over 5 would have sent him over the edge.) Really, what good would have come out of it??
Now looking back he’s glad I never told him and he said it doesn’t matter and doesn’t want to know anyway.
Ginny – Completely understand what you mean….I definitely wouldn’t want to be with a man who’d been the equivalent of the “village bicycle” (everyone’s had a ride).
Whether it’s true or not, people want to feel as though what they’re being given is special, and not something that’s been handed out indiscriminantly.
So I’m 24 and have dated a lot in my time but only had two sexual partners. I am however a very sexual person as is my girlfriend. She’s bi and I know of a few people that she has been with both male and female and I know she had a threesome with her friend and her ex(which she claims to have not enjoyed and never plans on doing again) so I can recall at least 4 male partners and at least 3 female that I have been told about. I asked the question how many and she would not say. I think it discomforts me not knowing because I have only had 2 sexual partners her being number 2. She won’t even tell me if a guess is correct. Thoughts?