How important are looks in relationships?
In 2008, over Ten Million Cosmetic Procedures were performed in the United States. which equals an awful lot of Botulism and Saline being shoved in and tons of late night pizza runs being sucked out of humans.
As most of those people were Married or partnered with someone, it makes me wonder ….How important are looks to a relationship?
In the early stages after meeting someone new, looks and attraction are pretty darn important. When you consider you don’t really know much about them at this point, the superficial stuff gets pretty high billing.
You obviously need to be attracted enough to walk across a room / click on a Profile / watch them using Binoculars to try and create a relationship out of vapor. So you each have to think you’re both Hot enough to want to talk to each other, go out on a first date, to kiss and eventually see each other naked.
After the first date, hopefully you want to have a bit more going on other than just looks (unless you’re on Spring Break in Cancun. Then I doubt your relationship will make it past tomorrow’s Wet T shirt Contest. But I could be wrong, and it might make it all the way through to tomorrow’s Wet Boxer Shorts Contest, too)
Anyhow, let’s assume things work out and you’ve been dating a while. Heck, maybe you’re even Married, Living Together or have a child with each other. Once you get past a certain point in your relationship – after you’re fully emotionally invested – what level of importance do looks still hold?
It would be a lovely Fairy Tale-ish thought to say that as soon as you’re in love, looks no longer matter whatsoever because you’re only able to see their beautiful souls. Some of this certainly is accurate, as we’re all more apt to see the rose-colored glasses version of significant others we’re happy with.
Unfortunately, truth of the matter is appearance does still have a certain amount of power in romantic relationships. But hopefully they’ve evolved since our Cancun-like excursions.
What I mean is, most women and men who legitimately care about the person they’re with want their partner to take care of themselves, stay attractive and look their best. They want them to be good-looking enough to present themselves well in social situations and attractive enough to turn them on. That’s pretty much it, really.
What I don’t hear are a lot of well-balanced adults wanting and demanding the loves of their lives look “perfect”.
While women and men may look a bit longer than necessary at the shirtless guy in the Bowflex ad or the Sports Illustrated swimsuit model because we can all appreciate good-looking people, truth of the matter is physical perfection isn’t what makes a real relationship successful.
If being physical flawless were the most important quality determining relationship success, 100% of the population would be alone forever. Until we found a way to bring Airbrushing into everyday life, and then some of us might have a shot…..so long as we don’t step into any bad lighting.
Most people old enough to legally drink alcohol want someone attractive, stable, good in bed and fun to be around. People don’t seem to be saying, “I wish my Husband would spend three hours at the gym and never see the kids anymore!”, or “I wish I had a girlfriend whose starved herself so much she’s a giant Bitch and is miserable to spend time with!”.
A friend summed it up for me once when I asked if men were looking for all women to look like Swimsuit Models or high-end Strippers…..he said “Boys are looking for that…..that’s not when Men want“.
With that in mind, you need to have faith and should assume most men and women want someone who’s great to be with, not someone Perfect. And presume your significant other subscribes to the advice John Cusack received in Say Anything, “The world is full of guys. Be a man. Don’t be a guy.”
(obviously insert “girl” and “woman” in there where needed…we’re certainly not Guy-bashing here).
And if you’re reading this from a beach in Cancun while MTV is pouring tequila down your throat while on camera, I won’t be hurt if you disagree. Just don’t do too much while on camera – it can come back to haunt you.
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Ann currently works for a Fortune 50 company as a Global Project Manager, and graduated Cum Laude with a degree in Psychology / Communications and Human Relations. She lives in Connecticut with her boyfriend and two adorable dogs.
“If being physical flawless were the most important quality determining relationship success, 100% of the population would be alone forever.”
So, SO true! Nobody’s perfect, although it’s so easy to get caught up in thinking we need to look a certain way to keep a partner. Thanks for this post!
It’s funny…pretty frequently, I go out with guys my friends don’t find attractive AT ALL. Which really doesn’t matter so much to me – it’s what *I* think that counts, right?
But on the other hand, I worry myself sick about how *I* look.
I wish I could apply my “looks don’t matter” philosophy to myself as well as to the men I date!
Some of the best guys I ever dated weren’t the best looking ones. I agree – most people want someone who does present themselves well, is attractive (which is a relative term anyhow) and who can handle social situations.
Jill – I think we’re all guilty at one time or another of thinking we need to lose five pounds or get in better shape, otherwise the person we’re with will dump us for someone else.
(assuming they’re well-balanced emotionally and not 16 years old, almost nothing could be further from the truth).
Kelly – Wouldn’t it be fantastic if we could all take our own advice? Imagine how happy we’d be, and how many Therapists would be put out of business!
Jackie – There’s nothing worse than a person who you can’t take into social situations….it’s horrible if you have to constantly babysit them – or worse, worry they’ll say something extremely embarrassing!
Great topic Ann! I so love John Cusack and all his movies, by the way.
Of course that first physical connection is important but over time, (and seven years into my marriage), it’s certainly not the first thing that I think of that would make or break my relationship. Sense of humor and intelligence were always the two key things I looked for. I was never a big fan of the pretty boy (Brad Pitt doesn’t do it for me). But rather someone who had great features, could understand me and talk with me, make me laugh and so much more. But doing things to better yourself is still important over time. When you feel good about how you look, you’re generally more confidant and a better partner because of it. Just recently my husband started a new job and is wearing dress shirts and ties for the first time in years. I told him how handsome and professional he looked. Then I helped him take his tie off. 
such a fantastic topic.
i think looks obviously matter to a degree, but even more is that x factor, that random chemistry that can’t be explained. and also, luckily “good looks” are like art, they are subjective. otherwise we’d all be chasing around the same guy in our wet t shirt ;0)
seriously though, looks and chemistry are uber important to start, and less important the longer you go on in a relationship, as long as the person still tries to be healthy and look good for their age, and the chemistry is still there. CHEMISTRY IS KEY
I think looks matter more to men but not as much as people would have you believe. I might be a little more exposed to this line of thought since I live in California, but by and large the ladies are as superficial as guys are around here. For me it’s a gestalt of looks and intelligence. I once told my friend that her IQ was worth at least 2 cup sizes. It’s true. Breasts can only say so much. I’d rather discuss Meet the Press with my lady for hours than stare at her chest for same amount of time. Boobs are cool and all but they don’t have that much in the way of a vocabulary.
Living in Orange County CA for seven years nearly made me numb to how good looking the entire county was. It nearly made me immune to good looking ladies. I’d seen so many sexy “airheads” it was ridiculous. I would literally go trolling for smart girls at clubs. They are easy to spot. They are the ones who’s eyes don’t glaze over when you ask them about current events.
Looks become less important for my woman friends and I after marriage….
I am way more turned on by him doing his share around the house and being a dad to our children. He is very attractive…. I just need him to be more helpful to us!!!
Eileen – Looks definitely become less important as you get a little older and realize what you want (and what you find important) on a long term basis.
Yeah… Like usually what I want is a club sammich and someone who I don’t have to explain Big Bang jokes to.
I think looks matter to a degree in the immediate, but I think there are a lot of relationships out there that probably got started by getting to know someone and falling in love even if they may not be classically beautiful. Just a thought.
Joy – I also think looks are more important in the beginning stages of a relationship, and (should hopefully!) fade in importance as the relationship develops.