Should you confess to affairs?

A few years ago, a friend was having an ongoing affair with their Manager.  In an effort to come clean to their spouse, my friend wanted to confess everything to them because they felt so horrible.

The question on my mind even then was…..Should you confess Affairs to your Significant Other?

Truthfully – although this may not be the popular “ideal world” opinion – I didn’t think my friend should tell their spouse about their indiscretion. Why?  Well first, they hadn’t stopped the affair at the time they confessed. And second, I thought it was only going to 1) Make them feel better by confessing, and 2) Make their spouse feel like crap.

If you want to ‘tell all’ when it comes to sleeping around, before you do, my thought is you may want to ask yourself why you want to, and what you want to come out of the confession.

When people have affairs, particularly ongoing ones, there’s often a deeper underlying issue eroding the core of a relationship. If the purpose behind telling your partner is bringing a serious problem in your relationship to the surface with the intention of resolving it, then confession may be a a good idea. Sometimes shining a very bright – very ugly – light on an issue is an effective way to bring a relationship to its most basic level in an effort to rebuild things.

However, sometimes people want to tell their spouse as a way to hurt and get back at them for any “wrongs” they may have done, including as payback for their spouse having had an affair of their own.  If revenge is your motivation, then you may want to rethink saying anything….telling someone out of revenge and anger may not be communicated constructively and has a good chance of inflicting permanent damage on your relationship.

Also, if you’re main purpose behind confessing it to make yourself feel better and reduce your guilt, this may not be the best idea.  You’ll most likely feel relieved right after you tell them, but how does it make you feel less guilty to inflict pain on someone, which is what the confession does.

In theory, complete honesty is lovely in principle…. a better principle is not hurting people. And once you confess to having an affair, you’re hurting someone more than you can ever imagine.

My opinion is, if you want to be honest, figure out who you want to be with, commit to that relationship and devote yourself to making it the most honest relationship you can. Confessing an affair is the kind of honesty which can sometimes be unnecessarily destructive, and you may want to think twice (or three times) about saying anything, as complete honesty in this situation has the potential to either cause permanent damage to your relationship and your partner, or to highlight an issue you both need to work on resolving.[Time]

Footnote: Two exceptions to not telling is if you haven’t practiced safe sex (I don’t think I need to elaborate on the “why” behind this one), and if your affair is absolutely going to be found out.  At that point, it’s better for you to be the one to make the confession first.