Should you Live Together before Marriage, Part One
A friend whose been happily Married for just over two years moved in with her husband right after they got Engaged, and lived together for almost a year before their wedding.
We were talking about what it’s like to live with a significant other, and since she has such a great marriage, her exact words surprised me. I believe they were, “The first year we lived together f***ing sucked!”
She explained how each of their insecurities plus their preconceived ideas and fears caused a lot of issues the first year of getting used to sharing a living space and a life together…issues that stopped existing after they got married, but were in full form when they first moved in with each other.
With studies showing people who live together before marriage (or even being Engaged) having a higher Divorce rate than people who don’t, should people live together before getting Married?
Reasons not to Live Together:
1. You can kill the relationship by living together too soon, or for the wrong reasons. What do I mean by “wrong reasons”? I mean the following:
- You’re looking for Security
- To save money
- Because one place is a lot nicer
- To spend more time together
- One partner is afraid of losing the other
Also, as much as I love in the idea of love at first sight and all, there’s a reason we hear about marriages resulting from people who move in after knowing each other for only a few weeks. That’s because it’s unusual for things to work out. Most people who did the same thing are wondering how they foolishly moved in with a person who stole all their stuff and who was already married to three other men.
But seriously – if your relationship isn’t at the point where it’s ready to handle the pressure of living together, it might bring about your relationship’s demise.
2. You can become lazy – If moving in together feels like some sort of end goal, you might be one of the people who sits back and stops paying attention to your partner and who might let yourself go. One partner may even just avoid fights or conflict of any kind in order to keep the peace, especially if a couple hasn’t learned to work through problems together. You might also give your partner less attention and appreciation since they’re there all the time. (for the record, getting lazy doesn’t usually go over well with your partner)
Another form of being emotionally lazy is…….
3. You can avoid moving forward to a bigger commitment - You may have heard the saying “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” or “Why buy the pig when all you want is a little sausage?”. (I love the last one)
The point is, if a man or woman is living with you and enjoying the benefits of domestic life, they may have no reason to take things to the next step. Although I don’t believe this is the situation in all cases, some commitment phobes might hide behind living together in order to still have some form of intimacy without making a more final commitment.
4. Sometimes people stay on their best behavior during the living together phase – As hard as this is to believe, some people can actually pull off being on their best behavior — at least some of the time — while living together. People might not bring up a pile of dirty laundry in the corner or how angry the mascara smudges on all the towels actually makes them out of fear of driving the person away.
If this is what’s happening, the issue is people then go into a marriage with a false understanding of what a person – and the relationship – is actually like, which can result in divorce….and when you think about it, not being honest about how you feel really is sort of like false advertising.
5. People may judge first year problems too harshly – Since each partner hasn’t yet purchased the ‘pig’ or the ‘cow’, they may be less likely to understand the first year of living together can be riddled with strife, as you’re merging two distinct personalities, as well as two completely different sets of fears, habits, insecurities and expectations.
If a couple were married, they might be more likely to tough the first year out and keep increasing their commitment to each other. When people live together, once that one year Lease is up, they may be more inclined to run off screaming into the hills (figuratively speaking, of course) instead of working through any issues with greater understanding and love.
Should you live together, Part Two will focus on ‘Benefits of Living Together before Marriage’….
It really can be easy to get complacent when you live together, but I think the people who do that are possibly the same ones who let things go after Marriage, which is bad, too!
Interesting because none of the relationships where I lived with someone worked out well. I wonder if that was because we weren’t right for each other, or because we expected too much too soon.
I can’t really speak for anyone else, but my hubby and I lived together before we got married and I would not change a thing. My Grammy always told me that if she had lived with my grandfather before they got married that there would not have been a wedding. I guess she could not handle his little quirks. LOL! Although, they are still married many, many years later!
Stopping by to welcome you to SITS! It’s great to have you in the SITStahood!
Sandy – I absolutely think living together provides an opportunity to see people in a way you’d never see them from just dating!
Christopher – I’m sure each situation is different for every couple…but I always think it’s good when something causes you to be introspective on the past.
You’re right…so maybe it’s a good heads up on who to not marry? Not sure…
I think it just depends on the people / and the relationship. I’m not a fan of living together before engagement or marriage. we got engaged, then moved in together and had no problems. i’m not sure what we did to avoid it……I think we just spent so much time talking about what our expectations were, what our needs / wants were etc that it worked……BUT I think that might be a rare thing…..people talk about first year of marriage being so brutal which I don’t get —- seems like you’d have worked out the kinks by then? I’d be curious to know specifically what caused problems for people adn if looking back what they would have done to avoid the problems?
anyway, great thought provoking post as usual Ann!!!!
I think it’s great you and your husband talked in such detail about your expectations and needs before you got married
I lived with two boyfriends and while it was a wise idea because it actively demonstrated that we were not meant to be for life, I also felt like it expedited with work and none of the fun of being married. You are doing chores/bills but not really building a life together (in my case). It was fun but not the same kind of fun….I cant believe I just wrote that…LOL. My Hub and I talked a great deal about it and actually didnt move into the same house until after we got back from our honeymoon.
Honestly, I’ve never given much thought to this question before, since I don’t plan on marriage. But a lot of my friends are debating this question, too. Now I can see other perspectives. Interesting…man, the stuff I learn from you…I would never learn otherwise!
I’m very much on the fence about living together before marriage – I’ve done it before, and I still can’t decide if it helped or it hurt.
Tom and I got engaged the day we moved in together. For him, making that big step and commitment and follow through of moving in together was the same as deciding to be with me forever. He TOTALLY surprised me by having a really sweet stage set to propose when I came home that day (he’d been overseeing the movers, which was also a surprise). I know a lot of people take the point of saying “I love you” lightly (I know I did in other relationships before Tom), but the fact that Tom and I had said that to each other with real meaning to it before moving in together made a huge difference for us.
I agree with the commenter above about not understanding the common belief that the first year of marriage is hell. That wasn’t true for us at all, living together (which we did for over a year) or being married. Maybe living together doesn’t influence whether you work together well – maybe whether you work together well influences whether living together works. If you’re just not right for each other, maybe it doesn’t matter which way you get used to being around each other (before or after marriage).
Great post!